Compliance Capers: What they are & how they hurt!

We’ve talked about Power Plays as a (dysfunctional) way people cope with situations they don’t like or want - by manipulating/coercing/forcing others to do what they want - using Power Plays.

Another (dysfunctional) way people cope with situations they don’t like or want - is by manipulating/coercing/forcing themselves to do what they don’t want to do - to do what others want them to do - using Compliance Capers.

Here’s a quick reminder:

Compliance Capers
|kəmˈplīəns| |ˈkāpərs|

tactics used to manipulate/coerce/force ourselves
to do what we don’t want to do

Compliance Capers include:

Denying, Distorting, Displacing, Disowning,
Deferring and Over-adapting.

When people use Compliance Capers like these they’re avoiding or ignoring the reality of what’s going on with themselves and manipulating/coercing/forcing themselves to do what they don’t want to do - which is very often what others want them to do.

So others they get what they want - at our expense!

oww!

Let’s take a closer look at each of these Compliance Capers to see how they play out on a daily basis.

We use Compliance Capers when we decide it’s easier to force ourselves to do what we don’t want to do, than it is to take up the issue with the person who’s (getting away with!) forcing us to do what they want.

Denying

Includes;
Outright Denial:

“There is no problem.”
“It’s not a problem.”
(When there is, and it is!)


Distorting

Includes;
Distort, minimize, catastrophize, intellectualize, rationalize:

“It’s nothing.”
“There’s nothing worse!”
“It’s really just a matter of perspective.”
“It’s human nature.”


Displacing

Includes;
Displace, blame, project, repress, regress:

“I’m mad at them - so you’d better watch out!”
“I can’t even think about it.”
“This is all my fault.”
(when it isn’t)
“This is their fault.”
(when it isn’t)


Disowning

Includes;
Disown actions and feelings, excuse self:

“That’s not me.”
“It was the alcohol talking.”
“I couldn’t stop myself.”
“That’s just my way of coping.”
“We all have issues.”


Deferring

Includes;
Identify, compensate, postpone:

“I need a drink.”
“I’ll have a nap first.”
“Patience is a virtue.”
“I’ll make up for it later.”


Over-adapting

Includes;
Agreeing to do things we don’t have the time/energy/desire/resources/skills to do. Taking over others responsibilities, accepting others responsibilities, “picking up the slack”. Ingratiating ourselves to others, proving ourselves to others:

“No trouble!”
(when it is)
“Piece of cake!”
(when it isn’t)

oww!

Compliance Capers amount to avoiding the reality of what’s going on with us by manipulating/ coercing/forcing ourselves to give up what we want; in favor of others and what they want.

Which means others get what they want - at our expense .

For those up for the challenge...

Where might we be using Compliance Capers to manipulate/coerce/force ourselves to do what others want?

hmmm...

You're welcome to share your experiences here on the blog.

More on what’s going on and what we can do about it in future posts.

If you’d like more information sooner it’s all in the book:
What’s Going On? Communication: What Hurts & What Works
Read more about it here.
Download here.

Next time…Cope Strategies & the Power Game ...

Till then...

Wishing you happiness,

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Video: Power Plays In Action - ouch!

A MAJOR problem in communication is POWER PLAYS.

When people are trying to manipulate/coerce/force US to do what THEY want us to do... they're using POWER PLAYS.

This video gives an insight into Power Plays many people are experiencing on a daily basis.

How many of these Power Plays have you experienced?

eek?!

Where are others using power plays on us? And for those up for the challenge... Where might we be using power plays on others?

You're welcome to share your experiences here on the blog!

More on what’s going on and what we can do about it in future posts.

If you’d like more information sooner it’s all in the book:
What’s Going On? Communication: What Hurts & What Works
Read more about it here.
Download here.

Next time… Compliance Capers.

Till then...

Wishing you happiness,

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Article: Power Plays In Action - ouch!

A MAJOR problem in communication is POWER PLAYS.

When people are trying to manipulate/coerce/force US to do what THEY want us to do... they're using POWER PLAYS.

power play: |ˈpou(-ə)r| |plā|
tactic used to manipulate/coerce/force people to do what we want them to do, regardless of what they want (or would want if they knew the reality of the situation).

For example;

Discounting, Judging, Dictating, Evaluating, Manipulating, Diverting, Confusing, Avoiding, Excluding, Deceiving, Guilting, and Intimidating.

Here’s some examples of these power plays in action;

Discounting
Discounting that a problem or options;
* even exists
* is significant
* can be changed at all, and/or
* can be changed by you!

Discounting - Existence:

“What problem?”
“There is no problem!”

Discounting - Significance:

“It’s not significant.”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“It’s not a big deal.”

Discounting - Possibility of Change:

“It can’t be changed.”
“The decision’s been made.”
“It’s out of my hands.”
“There’s nothing I can do about it.”

Discounting - Possibility YOU can Change:

“There’s nothing you can do about it.”
“You can’t change it.”
“You’re stuck with it.”

Judging
Sitting in judgement of others based on what the ‘judge’ considers;
Right/wrong, good/bad, acceptable/unacceptable appropriate/inappropriate.

“You’re wrong!”
“You don’t do it like that!”
“You’re right!”
“You did the right thing!”

(according to me!)

Dictating
Dictating to people what to do, what they ‘should’ do, and how to do it.
Includes; Setting limits, making rules and decisions, dictating permissions & injunctions. (what people ‘can’ and ‘can’t’ do).

“Just do it!”
“Do it like this!”
“You need to do this!”
“Yes. I’m telling you what to do!”
(and how to do it!)

Evaluating
Evaluating behaviour based on the judge’s assessment of how well people ‘measure up’ against criteria set by the judge.
Includes; Labeling, demonizing, idealizing.

“I’ve reviewed your ‘performance’ and evaluated it by my criteria...”
“I approve. That means you’re ‘good’.”
“I disapprove. That means you’re ‘bad’.”

Manipulating
Manipulating behaviour using coercion &/or force.
Includes; Praise & criticism, pedestals & putdowns, rewards & punishments.

“I’ll encourage behaviour I want,
and discourage behaviour I don’t, using
coercion, force, putdowns & pedestals, rewards & punishments!”

“If you do what I want, you’ll benefit.”
“If you don’t do what I want, you’ll suffer.”

Diverting
Diverting attention to avoid responsibility and accountability.
Includes; Deflecting, distracting, changing the subject, turning the tables, comparing, undoing.

“Oh! Look over there!”
“Well, what about you?!”
“I bought you a present!”

Confusing
Confusing people and/or the issue.
Includes; Abuse of logic, discrediting a premise, discrediting sources, feigning shock, feigning disbelief, interrupting, fast-talking, bombarding, ambushing, hijacking, embarrassing, humiliating, reframing, redefining, baffling, Socratic questioning*.
*badgering with questions to ‘force’ people to a predetermined outcome.

“So if X = Y then…”
“And that means...”
“So it’s not a question of A, it’s a question of B.”
“Isn’t it?!”

Avoiding
Avoiding people and/or the issue .
Includes; Evading, changing the subject, distracting with red herrings - including humour, ignoring, pretending not to hear, pretending to be asleep! withdrawing, hiding, being late, having ‘emergencies’.

“Later.”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“I’m not talking about this.”

Excluding
Purposely excluding people for personal gain.
Includes; Alienating and isolating using gossip, nastiness, sarcasm, arrogance.

“Did you hear what she did?!”
“He can’t be trusted.”
“He’s/you’re a @#$%!”
“You’re not invited.”
“Oh! You think so, do you?”

Deceiving
Lies of commission - fabricating information,
Lies of omission - withholding information.
Includes; Misleading with half truths, spinning, evasions, secrets, little white lies, bold-faced lies, whoppers, gossip, rumor, honesty passed off as a lie or a joke, over-promising and under-delivering, bait and switch, offering one thing and delivering another.

“I was at work.”
“It was only a drink.”
“You do X and I’ll do Y.”
(you deliver and they don’t!)

Guilting
Preying on a persons care and concern for others to create feelings of responsibility for what isn’t their responsibility.
Includes; guilt trips, shaming, obligating.

“After all I’ve done for you!”
“You should be ashamed of yourself!”
“You owe me!”

Intimidating
Intimidating with physical, verbal, mental, emotional, and financial, social harm or threats of harm.
Includes; ultimatums, sarcasm, criticism, insults, labels, putdowns, denigrate, embarrass, humiliate, frighten.

“You’re a ..... !”
“All or nothing”
“Take it or leave it.”
“You do, and you’ll be sorry!”
“Just try me (and see what happens)!”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about!”

eek?!

Where are others using power plays on us? And for those up for the challenge... Where might we be using power plays on others?

You're welcome to share your experiences here on the blog!

More on what’s going on and what we can do about it in future posts.

If you’d like more information sooner it’s all in the book:
What’s Going On? Communication: What Hurts & What Works
Read more about it here.
Download here.

Next time… Compliance Capers.

Till then...

Wishing you happiness,

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Video: WGO? Cope Strategies - What Do You Do?

A video of Cope Strategies detailed in the previous post.
Link to the Article post here.

Which of these Cope Strategies have you experienced? Which do you do?

eek! Where are others using cope strategies - that affect us? Where might we be using cope strategies - that affect others? Which are your favorites? What situations do you have that could possibly be changed by fixing instead of coping?

If you’re willing to share your experiences they’re welcome here on the blog.

Details of each of these Power Plays and Compliance Capers in upcoming posts. If you’d like more information sooner the digital version of the book is available here now.
Read more about it here.
Jump to the order form here.

Until next time... Here’s hoping we experience less of what hurts and more of what works!

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Article: WGO? Cope Strategies - What Do You Do?

How often do you run into communication situations you don’t like or want? People trying to push you around? Acting like they know it all? Judging? Criticizing? Shooting you down? Gossiping about you?

How often do you feel you can’t get through to people? You’re about to explode? You’re cut to the core? How often does it seem people don’t care?

And you say nothing because you don’t know what to say, or you say something you wish you hadn’t?

If you’d like to be able to handle situations like these without striking out, and without sucking it up... without dominating or submitting... without being an... ass... or a doormat... If you’d like to be able to handle yourself with class and style you can be proud of - and other people will admire...

Let’s explore what’s going on - What Hurts, and what we can do about it - What Works. Starting with What Hurts.

COPE STRATEGIES

When we’re faced with a situation we don’t like or want we need a way to deal with it. “Cope Strategies” help us cope with whatever it is that’s happening that we don’t like or want.

Broadly, they fall into 3 groups;
* Power Plays
* Compliance Capers, and
* Escapes.

Here’s an introduction to the first two of these groups.

POWER PLAYS

Sometimes the way we cope with a situation we don’t like or want is to manipulate/coerce/force others to do what we want using Power Plays.

Power Play: |ˈpou(-ə)r| |plā|
tactic used to manipulate/coerce/force people to do what we want them to do, regardless of what they want (or would want if they knew the reality of the situation).

For example;

Discounting, Judging, Dictating, Manipulating, Diverting, Confusing, Avoiding, Excluding, Deceiving, Guilting, and Intimidating.

Power Plays amount to avoiding the reality of what’s going on with others and manipulating/coercing/forcing them to do what we want. Which means we get what we want - at others expense.

eek! Where might we be doing this? And where might others be using Power Plays to get us to do what they want?

COMPLIANCE CAPERS

Sometimes the way we cope with situations we don’t like or want is to manipulate/coerce/force ourselves to do what others want using compliance capers;

Compliance Capers: |kəmˈplīəns| |ˈkāpər|
tactic used to manipulate/coerce/force ourselves to do what we don’t want to do, and accept what we don’t want to accept.

For example;

Denying, Distorting, Displacing, Disowning, Deferring, and Over-adapting.

Compliance Capers amount to avoiding the reality of what’s going on with us by manipulating/ coercing/forcing ourselves to give up what we want; in favor of others and what they want. Which means others get what they want - at our expense.

eek! Where might we be doing this? And where might others be using Compliance Capers to give up what they want in our favor?

If you’re willing to share your experiences they’re welcome here on the blog.

Details of each of these Power Plays and Compliance Capers in upcoming posts. If you’d like more information sooner the digital version of the book is available here now.
Read more about it here.
Jump to the order form here.

Link to the Video post here.

Until next time... Here’s hoping we experience less of what hurts and more of what works!

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How To Respond To Bullying - Without Being A Bully!

People trying to push you around? Fob you off? Shut you down? Get what they want at your expense?

Rather than striking out, or sucking it up...wouldn't it be great to be totally cool, calm, and collected? To stand up for yourself with class, rather than bite?!

Here's some ideas on how to respond to bullying - without being a bully!

Where might this be useful?

More on what’s going on and what you can do about it in future posts. If you’d like more information sooner it’s available in my book: What’s Going On? Communication: What Hurts & What Works.
Read more about it here.
Jump to the order form here.
Till next time...
XS

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CCC's for PPO's

Cool, Calm, Collected Responses to Behaviours that Peeve People Off
Following on from the PPO's listed in the previous post (PPO's being behaviours that Peeve People Off!); here's some ideas on how to respond ...

CCC's for PPO's

Cool, Calm, Collected responses to behaviours that Peeve People Off!

As a reminder, the top 10 PPO's were; People ...

PPO#10: Taking priority over you/others.
PPO#9: Making assumptions about you/others.
PPO#8: Drawing conclusions about you/others.
PPO#7: Forcing responsibilities on you/others.
PPO#6: Taking responsibilities from you/others.
PPO#5: Setting limits and dictating rules & imposing them on you/others.
PPO#4: Making decisions & imposing them on you/others.
PPO#3: Demanding compliance and obedience from you/others.
PPO#2: Manipulating you/others behaviour with rewards/punishments.
PPO#1: Abusing power to get you/others to do what they want.

Common defensive reactions to PPO's result from taking it personally; and striking out (by attacking others) or sucking it up (as a way to protect ourselves).

Before we go getting hot under the collar about what people seem to be doing, and using either of these strategies, here's a suggestion:

Check It Out

That means turning our attention to whatever it is people seem to be doing, and check it out. We do it by reflecting back to people what we think is happening - as a QUESTION (not an accusation!). For example;

• Are you making assumptions about me/them?
• You're drawing to conclusions about me/them?
• Are you trying to force your responsibilities on me/them?
• You're trying to manipulate me/them with rewards and punishments?

Get the idea?

If people claim not to be doing it, we can simply respond;

• No? Ok then. (and move on)

Whatever's happening, to check it out is a simple 2-step process;

1. Use a question frame, for example;

• Are you ...
• Are you trying to ...
• You're ...
• You're trying to ...

2. Add whatever it is people seem to be doing;

• taking priority over me/them?
  
• making assumptions about me/them?
  
• drawing conclusions about me/them?
  
• forcing your responsibilities on me/them?
  
• taking responsibilities from me/them?
  
• setting limits and dictating rules & imposing them on me/them?
  
• making decisions & imposing them on me/them?
  
• demanding compliance and obedience from me/them?
  
• manipulating my/their behaviour with rewards/punishments.
  
• abusing your power to get me/them to do what you want?
  

If people aren't doing what you think they're doing - it's a good thing to have cleared the air ... to have set the record straight.

If people are doing what you think they're doing, this simple technique is often enough to stop the behaviour in it's tracks. And if it doesn't ... there's more about it in the book: 'What's Going On?' An Exploration of Communication: What Hurts and What Works.

Jump to download the book now. Since it's Christmas, you're welcome to download it for free with my compliments. Happy Christmas!

If you're willing to share your experiences of checking it out I'd love to hear them. Look forward to your comments.

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Top 10 PPO’s

Top 10 Behaviours that Peeve People Off

How often do you run into PPO's? (Behaviours that "Peeve People Off"!)

I often see people dishing out PPO's. Sometimes other people are on the receiving end. Sometimes it's me on the receiving end!

PPO's create problems between people in just about every workplace and every home every day - creating stress, anxiety, ill-will, distrust, payback, retaliation - ouch!

So in the interests of better relationships - both personal and professional - let's check out a list of the "Top 10 PPO's":

Top 10 PPO's

At number 10:
Taking priority over others.
No discussion, no agreement… people taking priority over others just because they want it, and can get away with it!

Number 9:
Making assumptions about others.
People making assumptions based on limited (and often selective) information. Just as others don't know the totality of what's really going on with us, we don't know the totality of what's really going on with others!

Number 8:
Jumping to conclusions about others.
Ditto. What applies to making assumptions also applies to jumping to conclusions. People jumping to conclusions based on limited (and often selective) information. Just as others don't know the totality of what's really going on with us, we don't know the totality of what's really going on with others!

Number 7:
Forcing responsibilities on others.
No discussion, no agreement. People using whatever level of manipulation/deception/coercion/force it takes to get others to do what they want!

Number 6:
Taking responsibilities from others
Again, no discussion, no agreement. People using whatever level of manipulation/deception/coercion/force it takes to "take over" others rightful responsibilities - with or without their knowledge.

Number 5:
Setting limits and dictating rules... and imposing them on others.
No discussion and no agreement. People setting limits and dictating rules that work for them, then using whatever power they have to impose them on others.

Number 4:
Making decisions... and imposing them on others.
Again, no discussion and no agreement. People making decisions based on whatthey think is "best" or "right" then using whatever power they have to force them on others.

Number 3:
Demanding compliance and obedience from others.
People demanding others do what they want / need / think is "right". As if their way is the right way, and other people's wants and needs are less important than theirs. Again, no discussion and no agreement.

Number 2:
Manipulating behaviour with rewards and/or punishments.
People rewarding and punishing others using whatever power they have to bestow or withhold based on their judgement of how well other people "measure up" to what they think is "right" or "acceptable".

At Number 1 on our list of Top 10 PPO's (drumroll please!) basically, what most PPO's boil down to:
Number 1:
Abuse of Power.
People using "power plays" to manipulate/deceive/coerce/force others to do what they want - at others expense!

"Hey! What's going on??!!"

It's easy to see how behaviours like these PPO! ("peeve" being a gross understatement in many situations!).

3 questions to improve your communication skills (and your relationships!):

When (if ever) am I on the receiving end of PPO behaviours?
What do I typically do when I'm on the receiving end?
When (if ever) am I dishing out PPO behaviours? (Even without realizing it?)

If you'd like to share your experiences of PPO's you're welcome to add your comments to the blog.

If you'd like to understand more about what's going on in these situations, and what you can do to handle situations like these without striking out, or sucking it up. If you'd like to handle even the most difficult situations with respect for yourself and others - with class and style you can be proud of (and other people will admire) - it's absolutely doable, in fact it's easy… when you have the right skills.

In the coming weeks in the h-spot emails and blog posts, I'll be sharing information about why people use PPO's, how to communicate without using PPO's, and how to deal with it when other people are using PPO's on you! In short, "what hurts" and "what works" in communication.

If you'd like to get the information sooner, and in one hit - it's all in my new book:

What's Going On?

An Exploration of Communication:

What Hurts and What Works

Today I'm releasing the digital version of the book to h-spot subscribers.

For a limited time, it's available at the release price of $10 plus GST (Total $11 Australian). Being digital it downloads immediately and within minutes.
Read more about it here.
Jump to the order form here.

To set it up so there's no risk to you, it comes with a 100% 365-day, no-questions-asked, money-back guarantee. So if, for any reason, you don't like it I'll refund the purchase price in full, no questions asked. And I'd be happy for you to pass it onto someone you think would like it.

If you're experiencing stress in relation to PPO's, I believe the information in this book will give you a perspective on what's going on, and the skills to handle it, that will reduce (even eliminate!) that stress. I know it works for me!

Until next time...

Here's to better communication creating better relationships - both personal and professional!

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